When someone feels emotionally distressed, we may say a few words out of concern or a wish to help him or her feel better.
I think there are probably quite a few people who do not know what words are appropriate to say to someone in such a situation.
In fact, simply listening to them can help them feel better, without forcing yourself to talk to them.
However, I understand that you want to say something only because you want to make them feel better.
In such cases, it is important to choose your words carefully.
This is because words that we say with good intentions may actually hurt the other person or, in fact, be a burden to him or her.
Each of us has a different sense of values and a different environment in which we have grown and where we are living.
The way we perceive things created by those aspects also differ from person to person, and how we interpret things affects our emotional state.
Therefore, if you are going to talk, avoid talking only from your own perspective.
Please refer to the previous blog “How to Support Someone Who Has a Mental Health Issue” for more information on how to listen to someone who is going through emotional difficulty.
Even words that come out of your mouth to encourage the other person or words that you have chosen thinking about him or her may cause the person to suffer even more.
To avoid this, I would like to look at words that should be avoided.
◎ Blaming words
You talk to the other person in a way that makes him or her feel bad, either directly or indirectly.
For example, “I think that is a selfish way of thinking,” “Try to think about how others feel,” “If you look like that, it will make others feel depressed too.”
When you are having a hard time emotionally, there are many times when you are unable to do what you want to do, and it interferes with your life.
Just as it is difficult to concentrate on what you are doing at the time even if you are just thinking about something minor, it is very difficult to pay attention to what is going on around you when you are in a difficult situation.
It is not an exaggeration to say that it is impossible to act with consideration for the feelings of others when even your own feelings are confused.
And it is the person himself who has the feeling most strongly that he is causing trouble for someone else and that he cannot be like this.
Therefore, even if you say something to remind the other person to be careful, it would only have the opposite effect.
◎ Encouraging words
You’ll be fine,” “Time will heal all your pain,” “Hang in there.”
These words have no proof.
Temporary encouragement is of no help to the other person and does not change the situation.
Instead, try putting into words how the other person feels, such as “I feel that you are going through a hard time,” or “I can see that you have been striving hard all this time.”
The other person would feel that there is someone who understands and feel relieved.
Of course, do not tell them superficially, but tell them if you feel that way after listening to what they have to say.
◎ Advice
Do you ever give advice with good intentions, thinking that the way you overcame difficulties in the past will be better if the other person does the same?
For example, “Think positively,” or “In such a case, you should do ~.”
Although they know it in their head, they are in pain because they cannot do it.
To the other person, it is like being told to try harder when he/she is already trying hard to move forward.
There is a way that works for each person, and the way you overcame the problem is not necessarily effective to the other person.
If you really want to tell them, you can avoid imposing your opinion on them by telling them that this is one of their options, rather than stating that they “should” do it a certain way.
◎ Comparison words
Emotional pain cannot be compared to anyone else.
If someone says to you, “Everyone else has the same problems, but they are doing their best,” “Compared to XXX, you are better off,” or “You don’t have to be depressed over something as trivial as that,” you may think, just for a moment, that your problems are not that serious.
However, this does not motivate you to solve the problem, and you may even end up thinking to yourself, “How pathetic I am to be so worried about such a trivial problem.”
What may seem like a minor problem to someone else may be a serious concern to another person that could interfere with his or her daily life.
Avoid using words that downplay the other person’s problems by comparing them to someone else’s.
I think it is very kind of you to see someone in distress and want to say something to help them feel better.
However, depending on the type of words you use, you may be pushing the other person into a corner.
Try to listen to the other person’s feelings from their point of view, without judging their feelings or giving advice from your own perspective.
Kokoro Switch 