No matter how sleepy you are, how sick you are, or how busy you are with work, you can’t say, “I’m done!” and quit raising a child.
In particular, newborn babies and children who are unable to do anything alone die if left alone.
Even when they become older, their parents’ troubles and concerns do not disappear, as they may have serious injuries, problems at school, rebellious phases, and other issues.
After a child is born, most of the time we think about the child and our activities are centered around the child.
We are entering the world where it is normal that we cannot do what we want.
Even so, we can feel our own child is adorable, so watching him or her grow up soothes our heart and reduces stress.
However, if the mental burden of parenting is greater than the rewarding experiences and positive emotions while raising children, it can develop into parenting burnout.
Belgian researchers Isabel Roskam and Moira Mikolajczak describe parenting burnout as being physically and mentally exhausted, feeling emotionally distant from the child (not being able to give affection), and doubting if you are fulfilling a role as a parent.
When you’re physically and mentally tired, you can’t think things through as usual.
And even the smallest things can irritate you.
(Women with premenstrual syndrome (PMS) should even be more frustrated.)
Moreover, you can’t hit the frustration anywhere, and you feel sad that you are irritating like this.
You may lose affection towards your child/ren, which makes you even more sad, doubt yourself as a parent, and strongly blame yourself.
As a result, it is not uncommon to develop anxiety and depression.
It is a very difficult situation.
The tendencies that lead to burnout include perfectionism, lack of support from others, lack of support from a husband or wife (partner), difficulty in asking for help, both parents working outside the home, and financial insecurity.
Each of us has other personal concerns as well.
These stresses put even more strains on the difficult parenting and you may lose their sense of control over your day-to-day tasks, leaving you feeling overwhelmed.
You may want to shout, “Why should I feel like this when I am doing such a hard job and trying it to work out!”
Nurturing a human being seems like something we take for granted, but of course it cannot be done casually.
It is a tremendous thing.
However, you may be able to do your best because there are things you can get from raising children and things that satisfy your heart.
Let’s have a way to deal with it so that the balance between the negativity and positivity when rising a child is not broken, and if it is broken, let’s fix it now.
◎ Know that it’s natural to feel negative.
Because the environment in which we have been living in can change in an instant, we can’t do what we want to do, and there are many things that we can’t finish, no matter how small they are.
If such a thing continues for a long time, it makes you want to scream and cry.
Don’t worry too much just because a negative feeling comes up and you act on it a little.
That is human nature.
So, please don’t judge yourself to be a “bad” parent because you experience negative feelings.
Those emotions are part of parenting.
However, there is a risk that you may become violent toward the child, or you have acted violently to the child or become neglectful, please do not ignore and talk to someone around you or a professional regarding the matter.
It is a sign that you are working too hard and burnt out.
You and your child should get out of the situation.
◎ Stop perfectionism.
I think there are quite a few people who make a perfect and ideal plan for themselves and take on the challenge of raising their children, such as parents not letting their children feel bad, and how their children should be, and so on.
And things don’t go as planned.
If the ideals of the entire population of the world were to go their way, the world would be chaotic, and coexistence would be impossible.
It’s important to have ideals of what you want to do for you and your child, but it’s even more important to have a flexible attitude, knowing that not everything will go as you wish.
Otherwise, when you can’t be a “perfect parent” or “perfect child”, you are more likely to blame yourself and your child.
Even if things don’t go as planned, that is the way it goes and there are many times like that in our life.
So, you can think like, “I ended up shouting out loud to warn the child, but it doesn’t happen every time, so if I talk properly, we will be fine,” “Even though I could not stop my baby cry in public, it was not possible to manage his today’s bad mood,” and etc.
Rather than trying to be perfect, a flexible response can save both parents and children from getting exhausted.
Parenting is not rewarded.
I don’t think it’s very common to get feedback on how hard you’re working to raise a child.
Of course, when children say, “Thank you for everything, Mom and Dad,” that’s already the best reward.
But, that is also what you can rarely receive.
So it is very important to take care of yourself.
Reward yourself once in a while, or sometimes, uh, every day.
Find something that will heal your heart like eating your favorite cake, leaving your child with your parents and going shopping, giving up housework, calling a friend, going on a trip, etc.
Taking care of yourself leads to taking care of your children.
When the parents are stressed out and tense, the child/ren feel it and become stressed and frustrated as well.
It may be difficult to always do, but sometimes it is necessary to switch from “child-first” to “self -first”.
◎ Interact with other parents.
When burnout occurs, people don’t want to go outside and tend to avoid socializing with others.
Spending so long at home with your child only fills you with thoughts of why your child is like this and why you are so irritable.
In such a case, please talk to the parents who are raising children.
I’m sure there’s a similar episode, and there should be similar thoughts and similar behaviors that you do.
By hearing common stories, you can think, “Well, all babies at this age are like that,” or, “This calm-looking mother also screams,” then you can feel that you are not alone.
Contrary to the feeling of “only me” that brings us down, the discovery that “everyone experiences the same” lifts our feelings.
Even if you do not have the same kind of painful experiences, you feel lighter just by being listened to.
Today, you can read and share parenting episodes online and on social media.
One way to prevent burnout is to get in touch with other people’s experiences before (or even after) it becomes too hard.
◎ Allow yourself to ask for help.
I think that burnout is more likely to occur in people who work hard believing that it is all okay if they do it themselves.
They are so strict with themselves.
You may stoically impose work quotas, housework quotas, and child-rearing quotas.
It’s amazing to be able to pull them off, and I think the sense of accomplishment you get from doing them feels great, but it’s exhausting.
Not only your body, but also your mind is stepping on the accelerator all the time.
And before you know it, some part will have a problem, and as a result, you won’t be able to run like you used to.
If you feel that something is wrong with your body and/or mind, please ask someone for help.
Allow yourself to do it.
Even if you want to have a funny title like “I raised my child all by myself!” it would be putting the cart before the horse if you collapsed.
Let’s throw away the mysterious curse word like “I have to make more effort, I should not rest!”
It’s okay to ask for help.
Getting help doesn’t mean you’re giving up your parental responsibilities.
Nothing is wrong with the idea to think that people need someone’s help to keep themselves and their children feel relaxed.
With help, you should be able to create a better relationship with your child while appreciating people more and balancing between what you do for yourself and taking care of your child.
Basically, there are no holidays in raising children.
And it’s not a matter of one week or one month.
It is also difficult to feel a sense of accomplishment.
However, there are many times when you can be healed just by seeing your own children grow and their mere presence.
Make parenting enjoyable by finding the right balance between positive and negative feelings.
Kokoro Switch 