The painful past makes us suffer and haunt us.
I would like to write a continuation of the previous post on how to deal with these painful feelings.
◎Rephrase the thoughts that keep repeating themselves over and over again.
It is not uncommon for past experiences to cause us to think that I am a bad person, or that nothing good will ever happen to me in the future.
But in most cases, this is not true.
It is simply your opinion.
Or it is someone else’s opinion that you have been told and made to believe.
And if it is causing you pain, change it.
Because we can change the thoughts we have been conditioning ourselves to believe.
And for that reason, you don’t have to suffer for a long time to come.
For example, let’s say you had an experience growing up where your parents strictly told you to aim higher rather than praising you for your hard work.
And you may believe, “I have never been praised by my parents, no matter how hard I have always worked. I am a failure. I’ll never be good at anything in the future.”
And you may start to think of yourself as a person who can’t do anything.
As an adult, you avoid trying new things that you don’t think you can do, and you are always afraid to try new things because you are not confident in yourself.
Let’s change that.
First, realize that “I’m a failure” and “I will never be good at anything” are your opinions.
You have come to think that way because you are not getting the “praise” from your parents that you needed.
Now, try to rephrase that extreme opinion in a slightly more flexible way.
For example, “I’m not good at doing ________. I have made many mistakes. But I like doing ________ and have received praise from my friends. There are times when I don’t do well, but there have also been times when I have done well. I am not a failure. There are things I can do.”
For more details, please refer to my past blogs, ” Thinking Patterns that You Better to Stop. ~Cognitive Distortions~” and “4 Steps to Deal with Negative Thoughts.”
◎Change the time frame of your attention.
People tend to be drawn to negative forces.
Negative forces are that strong and influential.
If you have had a painful experience in the past and have not been able to cope with it, you are drawn to it and your attention is always focused on it.
This makes it difficult to take action and makes you anxious in stressful situations.
This is why it is important to consciously and regularly check what you are paying attention to.
You cannot change the past, but it is up to you to decide what the future will look like from the present moment.
You can decide to move forward from now toward what you want to do, as well as change the part of yourself that you don’t like.
So, try to move your focus from the past to the future time line by asking yourself what you can do now, or what you want to become in the future.
By doing so, you can lessen the negative effects of past experiences.
◎ Forgive.
Some of us may always have a feeling of frustration and hatred somewhere in our mind because of an experience where someone did something unpleasant and hurtful to us.
Others may blame themselves, saying that they are responsible for something bad happening to them.
Feeling regret and responsibility may be somewhat necessary for our growth.
However, excessive resentment and blaming oneself can cause great stress on oneself and have a negative impact on one’s mental health.
So, for your own sake, do the act of “forgiveness.”
Forgiveness allows you to be free from painful past experiences.
Of course, it will not magically happen right away.
Also, remember that forgiveness is not about tolerating what the other person has done, nor is it about repairing the relationship.
Forgiveness helps you let your anger and hatred out and lightens the emotional burden on you.
Please refer to ” How to Forgive Someone Who Have Hurt You” for more details.
◎ Be grateful.
Many studies have proven that gratitude has positive effects on our mental health.
A study by Abdi Gungor, Mark Young and Stephen Sivo et al. reported that gratitude reduces the emotional distress caused by painful experiences and also increases well-being.
You may think that gratitude is impossible when you think about what you have lost because of a painful experience and what you would have gained if you had not had that experience.
But think about what you have gained because of that experience, what you have been able to do despite that experience, and what is around you now.
When we focus only on what we don’t have or on painful feelings, we inevitably return to that past experience and experience it all over again in our minds, making it harder.
It is not easy to be grateful in times of pain, but making the effort to do so can help you see the different angles of your current situation.
And it allows you to realize that some things are actually good.
It helps make you feel lighter, and if you make it a habit to be grateful, you will be able to enjoy the present moment.
Working through past painful experiences is not an easy task.
Sometimes, no matter how many suggestions you are told how to do it, you just can’t do it alone.
In such cases, you may want to consult with a trusted family member, friend, or professional.
I don’t think you should let a painful experience make your future even more difficult.
And only you can take that step.
Kokoro Switch 