How to Deal with Negative Experiences in the Past -Part1-

We develop our own thoughts and behaviors through various experiences.

Not all of those experiences are good.

We all have painful experiences, more or less.

Many of you may be suffering now or not liking yourself because of those experiences.

People around you may not understand your pain, saying, “How long are you going to be bothered by such things?”

But “pain” is different for each person.

It is not so easy to say, “Yes, I will no longer worry about it,” when you are told to forget about it by someone who is not you.

It is natural to struggle with it.

However, in order not to be bound by the painful past, you have to deal with it yourself.

If you are suffering from the painful experiences, such as not liking yourself now, not being able to act on things you want to do, not getting along with others, etc., you can try to get out of it.

If you have tried your best to do so but could not, try again, or even as many times as you can.

It is not that easy to get over an experience that has caused you so much pain.

That is why you need to be patient.

Of course, there will be times when you get tired, but when that happens, take a break and go on at your own pace.

Let’s take a look at how you can deal with the painful feelings generated by your past experiences.

◎View things objectively.

To see things objectively is to see them as they are, without letting one’s own feelings into what is happening.

By doing so, we can interpret things differently, which helps us to regain our composure.

However, if you do this improperly, it can have the opposite effect, according to a 2010 study by Ayduk Ozlem and Kross Ethan.

According to them, it is called “self-immersing,” which is the state of being able to only see things from one’s own perspective when recalling painful experiences in the past.

When you do this, you just repeat the painful experience in your mind the same way, and the painful feelings become even heavier.

On the other hand, an effective way of seeing an experience objectively is “self-distancing,” which means putting some emotional distance between yourself and the experience.

By looking at the experience from a third-person perspective, they say, you can become aware of new things, new meanings, and reduce the unpleasant feelings caused by the experience.

To effectively “self-distancing,” I believe that it is easier to distance yourself from the painful experience if you imagine the experience as a stage play and you as an audience, rather than just remembering the experience.

Close your eyes and imagine a stage.

Imagine that the painful situation you have experienced is happening on the stage.

You are watching it from a seat away from the stage.

Have you reached this point in your imagination?

If you have, then ask yourself the following question.

What is the situation like?

How do you and the people on stage feel?

How did the situation come about?

Observe the experience and the feelings of you and the people involved from a third-person perspective.

How do you feel now compared to how you felt when you actually experienced it?

The way you perceive the experience should be more or less different.

◎ Know that painful experiences increase the ability of self-reflection.

Self-reflection is the process of reflecting on one’s values, actions, thoughts, and feelings that arise in different situations and trying to gain a deeper understanding of who we are.

A 2019 study by Kathleen Vohs, Jennifer Aaker and Rhia Catapano states that painful experiences provide an opportunity to reflect on the meaning of life.

We are less likely to think deeply about why it did happen when we have a pleasant or happy experience than when we have a painful one.

The more inconvenient or unpleasant things happen to us, the more we tend to reflect on ourselves and the situation, wondering like “What did I do wrong?” and “Why do I always become stuck in the same situation?” etc.

That sounds like a negative thought at first glance, but reflecting on the situation and ourselves is very important for our mental health.

This is because when we know ourselves, we understand the meaning of each of our behaviors based on our thoughts better than before, and we know what to do in a difficult situation and what is the best behavior for us to adopt.

In other words, the self-reflection allows us to calmly cope with stressful events.

And consequently, you can become more resilient to stress.

It is natural to blame yourself or someone else for a painful experience, or to feel regret.

However, if you view the experience as an opportunity to reflect on yourself, it will change your life in the future.

I would like to continue writing more about how to cope with the painful past in the next blog, I hope you will find it useful.