Have you ever heard the term “self-sabotage”?
When we have a thing we want or a goal, we take action to get it or to achieve it.
However, there are some people who, despite having a goal, act in a way that distances themselves from it.
They limit their own self-worth to a certain point and put a stop to themselves when they could still go further.
( Although I said “some of us,” I think most of us have actually experienced this before.)
This is called self-sabotage.
In other words, it is a behavior that you prevent yourself from accomplishing what you set out to do by disturbing the way to accomplish.
For example, you have an important job interview the next morning, but you overslept by drinking with friends until midnight the night before, you always break up with your partner before getting into a deep relationship, you restrict your meals in order to lose weight but you stop soon after because it is too hard, you try to do your assigned work in a perfect manner but end up doing it halfway, and so on.
There are reasons for self-sabotage.
・Fear of change
We fear getting out of the comfortable situation we are in.
By trying to change, we fear that something might go wrong and we do not have the confidence to deal with it, or that the situation could become worse than it is now, or that we could fail.
On the other hand, people are also afraid of success.
Success seems like a glorious thing that everyone wants, but when you actually get to that place of success, the responsibility, the risk, and the pressure to maintain it are heavier than they would have been otherwise.
Either way, in the process of pursuing a goal, you may find yourself saying, “I can’t do it, I’m not going further” and you may find yourself back to your earlier self.
・Past experiences
Trauma from past experiences of neglect, rejection, or abuse by parents or caregivers can interfere with the development of a sense of self-worth.
Feeling unworthy can lead one to give up on trying to achieve something, either in the middle or at the beginning, thinking “there is no way I can succeed.”
This results in self-sabotage.
・Insecure attachment
Attachment formation with caregiver/s also affects self-sabotage behaviors.
An attachment theory proposed by the British psychiatrist John Bowlby includes four attachment types.
One of them, the avoidant type, is said to be formed in an environment where the child is left alone for a long time feeling uncomfortable because there is no caregiver when the child needs one, and even if there is, the child cannot feel loved because he/she is obligated to take care of the child.
Children raised in this way are unable to trust those around them, believing that they must manage on their own in order to survive.
As a result, they are unable to fully open up to others, including those with whom they have close relationships, and when they try to build a more intimate relationship with someone, they try to stop themselves from moving beyond, believing that they must be betrayed and that they eventually will have to live on their own.
This is what causes self-sabotage behavior, either consciously or unconsciously.
It has become natural for us to act in this way at some point for a variety of reasons, and we may not even be aware of it.
However, the act of destroying what we want to gain and the path to that goal by ourselves demotivates us, makes us dislike ourselves for not achieving it and for letting it happen, and lowers our self-worth and self-esteem, thinking, “that is all I am.”
We want to stop this behavior if we can, don’t you think?
Let’s look at how we can stop self-sabotage.
1. Get to know yourself.
Whenever you feel stuck in something or feel that you cannot always reach the goals you have set, observe how you are behaving.
Knowing them allows you to find out why things don’t work out.
Identifying the causes and addressing them is a major key to stopping the behaviors that are sabotaging you.
For example, you want to build good relationships, but at some point you feel that people are leaving you.
Maybe you criticize someone a lot, or maybe you are tired of not being able to communicate your feelings to them well and have distanced yourself from them.
If that is the case, then there are solutions to this problem, such as stopping criticizing, improving your communication skills, etc.
Doing so can reduce self-sabotage and help you take action that would move you closer to your goal.
Developing a better understanding of yourself also makes you more resilient to stress.
Making time to do this would be worthwhile.
Let the actions that come naturally to you move to your consciousness level.
2. Confirm that your goal is really what you want to achieve.
This is one part of knowing yourself, but I am going to explain it separately.
Self-sabotage is a behavior that is caused by the discrepancy between your values and what you are trying to achieve, so it is necessary to know what you really want to do, what you really want to achieve, and what your values are.
If your goals are not based on those things, self-sabotage is less likely to stop.
Socially admired figures have a great influence on us through the media, SNS, and other means.
It is natural that our goals are shaped by them.
But if it really isn’t your thing, you can easily get stuck.
Because it’s not very interesting to you.
You may also be tasked with someone else’s dreams and goals.
But if you feel like you are being forced to do something, you act against it whether consciously or unconsciously, because you don’t want to do it.
Think carefully about whether your goal is what you really want to achieve.
3. Be kind to yourself.
It is not abnormal for you to distract the process you are going through.
It is very natural and happens to everyone due to fear of change and painful experiences in the past.
So you don’t deserve to be blamed for your self sabotage behavior.
If you are blaming or feeling bad about yourself, please stop and think about it for a moment.
You are not alone, and even if you can’t do what others are able to do, that is only part of it, you certainly have your strengths.
Acknowledge your weaknesses as they are.
And instead of blaming them, give yourself words of encouragement such as “This happens, but there is always a way to get better.”
This is called self-compassion, and increasing it helps you to take a solution-oriented attitude toward your problems, asking yourself how you can make it better when you are stuck.
4. Engage in alternative behaviors.
Once you have figured out what self-sabotage behaviors you are likely to have, be prepared to act differently the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.
As I explained, sabotage behavior interferes with your path to your goal.
Conversely, what are the behaviors that would create that path then?
For example, if you want to change your tendency of not being able to say no when asked, instead of trying to convince yourself that it is just this one time (self-sabotage), think about why you cannot say no, find out how to say no without making the other person feel bad, practice that communication method, and then actually try it out.
Of course this is easier said than done, but if you really want to change the situation, it is worth doing rather than continuing to get stressed out about it.
First, be clear about your goals and what you want, and then think about how you need to behave to achieve them.
There are varied reasons for self-sabotage.
Take time to reflect on yourself, explore what behaviors you are engaging in and its causes, and gently support yourself rather than hinder yourself to get where you want to go.
Kokoro Switch 