How to Stop the Toxic Behavior: Self-Blame

We all have probably blamed ourselves, wondering why we did what we did, this could not have happened if I had done the right thing then, or it was my fault that he/she had to go through such a situation.

Of course, it is natural and necessary to blame yourself when you make a mistake or cause someone else trouble.

However, blaming yourself for everything or blaming yourself for the same thing over and over again is harmful and can hurt you emotionally.

If you have a tendency to blame yourself, you belittle yourself, saying that you are worthless and that nothing you do will ever work out, and you become pessimistic about everything.

Also, you may not be able to express yourself and are often easily swayed by others because you put others before yourself, thinking that you are always making bad decisions and behaving in a wrong way.

The act of blaming oneself is influenced by how one has been treated by others and relationships in the past.

The experience of being abused as a child or not being able to feel love due to neglect is one of the most powerful factors to cause self-blame behaviors.

Children, because they are still psychologically developing, believe that problems in the family are their own fault.

Later, in the relationships they develop as adults, if they are abused or treated badly, they blame themselves and try to convince themselves that it is my fault and that they are being punished for it, just as they did when they were children.

Blaming ourselves in this way has a negative impact on our mental health and leads to unhealthy relationships.

If you have that toxic habit, try to control it as much as possible and avoid burdening your mind unnecessarily.

Then, how can we stop blaming yourself?

◎Distinguish between blaming yourself and taking responsibility.

Taking responsibility for what you have done is not the same as blaming yourself.

Taking responsibility means accepting the failure or mistake, thinking about what to do about it, and taking action to improve the situation.

Blaming, on the other hand, is not accepting the failure, blaming oneself for the situation, complaining to oneself, and not taking any action, or even preventing oneself from taking action because you think you cannot do anything about the situation.

If you keep moaning, “Why am I like this?” you just deny yourself and become painful, and then lose the motivation to move on.

Make a clear distinction between blaming and taking responsibility, and determine which of these actions you are doing when you fail or when something bad happens.

◎Interpret what happened as a whole.

When something bad happens and you feel like blaming yourself, first of all, do not interpret what happened only from one point of view, but take it as a whole, considering various factors.

For example, let’s say your friend was crying because his boyfriend rejected her.

You blame yourself for not being able to cheer your friend up, and you blame yourself for not talking to your friend’s boyfriend so that the relationship could continue.

But that is not your role.

If you focus on the things you could not do, then of course you blame yourself.

But think about it.

Things usually involve some people and several other things.

Do you think you can control everything and everyone?

No, you can’t.

So don’t beat yourself up for not being able to do it.

Acknowledge that there are things in the world that are out of your control, and tell yourself that things will work out the way they are supposed to work out.

There is no need to blame anyone.

◎ Know who you are.

There are some of us who have a tendency to blame ourselves.

Knowing if you are that kind of person can help you reduce your self-blaming.

First, perfectionists.

Perfectionists are very hard on themselves and tend to try to accomplish things unrealistically.

As a result, when they fail to do it, they blame and accuse themselves.

Second, people who are not good at asking for help from others.

They think that they have to do everything by themselves because it bothers others, and they push themselves without trying to get help from anyone, and as a result, they end up not being able to do it, and blame themselves for the trouble they cause to those around them.

And those who do not know the reason why they are blaming themselves more than necessary.

The original reasons for the act of blaming can be a lack of love or abuse from a parent in the past, an experience as an adult where the problem was imposed on you in a oppressive manner, and the like.

Knowing them can be painful and hurtful as it is an act of opening emotional wounds.

However, knowing them gives you the opportunity to think, “I have been made to feel bad by the problematic people around me, but it’s really not my fault.”

If you are suffering from self-blame, look for what has contributed to it in your past experiences.

◎Improve self-compassion.

People who blame themselves are hard on themselves.

When they fail or fail to meet certain requirements, they doubt their own judgment.

They then monitor themselves even more strictly and raise the bar for themselves higher and higher.

As a result, they hate themselves for not being able to do things, thinking, “I’m a failure who can’t do anything.”

Be kind.

Research on self-compassion shows that when we are compassionate toward ourselves, we are better able to cope with stress and less likely to blame ourselves.

Buddha also said, “You yourself, as much as anyone else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

You have the opportunity to be told harsh things by those around you in your life even if you don’t want it.

You don’t have to increase those opportunities yourself.

◎Be courageous and feel the pain.

Blaming yourself can be heavy and hard on your heart.

However, feeling shame, pain, and sadness by accepting the situation that caused the blaming may be even more painful.

If you blame yourself, you will end up saying one word, “It’s my fault,” but accepting and processing the unpleasant feelings is much more complicated and difficult.

But by facing that pain, you can learn how strong you are and move on.

This also gives you confidence and makes it easier to take the next action quickly and easily.

Instead of blaming yourself more than necessary, accept the painful but uncomfortable feeling at the time, allow yourself to feel the pain, and let it be your strength.

Blaming yourself is toxic.

Instead of blaming and suffering, accept unpleasant situations and feelings, and act on them so that you can feel lighter.