4 Steps to Deal with Negative Thoughts

In the previous post, I wrote about how to deal with negative people.

This time I would like to write about how to deal with negative thoughts that you yourself have.

When you have a bad day, you think that nothing good will ever happen to you.

You have no self-confidence, so you think that no matter what you do, you will not succeed, making it difficult for you to take action.

You may use negative and pessimistic words like “I can’t do it…”, “There is no point of doing…,” “But…”, etc.

Then you may hate yourself even more for thinking like that.

Negative thinking has a negative impact on those around you, but it also brings a stronger damage to yourself.

This is because they are less likely to be understood by those around them.

Negative words and attitudes can turn those around you off.

Friends and family members who were trying to help you may have gone when you realize.

For example, instead of honestly thanking the person who helped you, you get angry or sarcastic and say, “You don’t think I can do that, do you?”

(But the truth is, you are the one who feels that way.)

Such a response will not make the person feel good, instead he or she may think, “Well, have it your own way then,” and leave you alone.

You regret that it wasn’t supposed to be like this, but you don’t know what to do.

You feel lonely and enter into a loop of negative thinking, belittling yourself and those around you again.

It’s a vicious cycle.

It is very painful.

How can we stop negative thinking?

You may consider the following 4 steps.

1. Know that there are two kinds of thoughts: facts and opinions.

We are always having a lot of thoughts in our minds.

(A study in 2020 showed that we experience more than 6,000 thoughts per day!!)

These thoughts can sway our feelings.

But in fact, the thoughts that sway our feelings are often just your own opinions.

Thoughts come naturally and unconsciously.

They are deeply connected to our past experiences and how we feel about ourselves.

Because they are so automatic, we tend to think that our thoughts are based on facts.

But be aware that most of them are not facts, but one’s own opinion.

“I am 30 years old.” I am a woman.” “I live in Japan.” If that is the case, then it is a fact.

When you think things like, “I am not honest,” “I am not good at making friends,” or “People don’t like me,” it is an opinion.

Opinions are created by your past experiences and how you interpret who you are.

It has no evidence to support it.

In other words, no one can say that it is absolutely true.

And the reason you feel sad, angry, or distressed is because you believe the opinion to be a fact.

Once you know that a particular thought is an opinion, you know that it is modifiable.

So first make a judgment.

Is that negative thought causing you distress a fact?

Or is it an opinion that only you believe?

If you have difficulty deciding whether they are fact or opinion, identify your thinking patterns.

For example, if you have a pattern of using phrases such as “I should” thinking like “I should please people around me,” it is often your personal opinion, not a fact.

There are many other thinking patterns, so please refer to the section “Thinking Patterns that You Better to Stop. ~Cognitive Distortions~“.

2. Ask yourself questions about your negative opinion.

Once you have observed your thought and determined that it is an opinion, imagine getting it out of your mind to be objective.

Then ask yourself why you think that way.

You will probably come up with a reason, such as because a friend told you so, or because the same bad experience happened to you over and over again.

Then ask yourself the question again.

“Is it absolutely true because my friend told me so?”

“If so, am I going to stay the same and never be able to change?”

“If something bad happens to me over and over again, am I absolutely 100% sure that the next bad thing will happen again?”

“What are the evidence for that?”

As you continue to ask yourself these questions, does your rigid trust in that negative idea waver a bit?

If you still believe that your thought is true, think about what you would say to your loved one if he or she had the same thought.

For example, let’s say you are thinking, “Nothing but bad things are going to happen to me anyway.” If your friend said the same thing to you, you would say, “Yeah, right. That’s just the way your life is,” or would you say, “It may be hard right now, but I’m sure something good will come out of your efforts. I am here for you.”

If you are suffering from negative thoughts, question them repeatedly to fight them.

3. Rephrase the negative thoughts.

When you have asked yourself all the questions and no longer agree with the negative opinion, it is time to take action.

Change that opinion to a more balanced one.

Negative opinions are usually extreme.

For example, “People don’t like me because I’m stupid.”

The evidence you may find is that people sometimes look disapproving when you are talking to them.

Then you engage in questioning to yourself.

“Do they really look disapproving?”

“Has anyone said that to me directly?”

“Is there nobody who listens to me?”

You may answer,

“No, that’s not true, Mr. XXX agreed with me the other day.”

“No one has ever told me I am not smart.”

“I have friends I can trust.”

After all that, it is time to correct your negative opinion.

You may change it to, “I am not the smartest person, but I can say things that someone else understands and agrees with. I have a good friend who listens to me. Even if I’m not smart, that’s no reason for them to hate me.”

Instead of going to the extreme and saying, “I’m not a smart person,” try to balance it out by adding in specific experiences and what you think of yourself.

Be careful not to rephrase it in the most positive way possible, because that would be hard to believe.

4. Practice.

Negative thoughts have deep roots and are nurtured stronger and stronger with negative experiences.

So it is not easy to change them.

But they can be changed.

To do so, it is important to judge each thought as fact or opinion, ask yourself questions, and practice continuously to change them into balanced thoughts.

If the thoughts that torment you are ones you have created, find real experiences to deny in your daily life and change them based on them.

By making it a habit, you will reduce negative thoughts and change your feelings.

Thoughts influence our emotions.

Instead of being ruled by negative thoughts, know that they are only opinions and be in control of your thoughts.