5 Ways to Manage Anger

Getting angry makes you tired, doesn’t it?

You don’t want to get angry, but you end up yelling, wrinkling your brow, or hitting things.

Don’t you sometimes feel sad and ashamed of you being angry in such a way?

Anger is a healthy and appropriate emotion, and we all feel it.

However, anger can sometimes cause us to act out in ways that are overly distressing to others around us and to ourselves.

In such cases, anger becomes a negative and dangerous emotion for us.

So why do we get angry?

It is caused by a combination of two psychological factors.

The first one is the psychology of avoiding getting hurt.

Anger is a secondary emotion and is triggered by primary emotions such as sadness, shame, frustration, embarrassment, anxiety, regret, and others.

It is very hurtful to take those primary feelings honestly, and we try to avoid them.

By getting angry, you don’t have to face the negative emotion, and you don’t get hurt although it’s only a temporary fix.

And the second is the interpretation that you will be attacked by someone else, that you will be trapped.

Then the defense mechanism is activated and you try to defend yourself by attacking the other person in anger.

This is one of the so-called fight-or-flight responses.

Thus, the interpretation that there are feelings of being hurt in facing them and threats from those around us makes us angry.

You can protect yourself by taking your anger out on someone or something.

However, it is only a temporary fix, and furthermore, if anger becomes a habit, it will negatively affect your physical health (lowered immune system, lack of sleep, high blood pressure, etc.), mental health (stress, depression, etc.), and personal relationships.

Anger may clear your mind for a moment, but you will be more aware of yourself feeling angry, and you can become even angrier.

Anger can ignite you even more, and eventually you may find yourself burnt out.

Let’s take a look at how to prevent this from happening by practicing anger management.

To begin with, anger management is not a way to eliminate anger, nor is it a way to keep anger bottled up inside of you.

It is about controlling your anger and expressing it without hurting yourself or others.

◎ Know what the primary emotion is that causes anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion and there is a reason to make you angry.

Without resolving the cause, anger will always boil over whenever you are in a situation related to that issue.

For example, let’s say you are having a hard time finding a job.

So your parents ask you, “Did you get a job?” or you hear your friends talking happily about their jobs, you become more angry than you should be.

To control that anger, you need to realize that you might be frustrated, impatient, or sad because you haven’t gotten the job.

Then realize that is what is making you angry.

By doing so, you will become aware of situations that might make you angry, which can help you control your feelings of anger.

◎ Change your own rules of “should～”.

We judge things based on the values that we have been brought up with.

Having values is a necessary for life, but if we decide too rigidly, we will feel uncomfortable in many situations when we don’t get our way, which can lead to anger.

If you have a rule that says ”People/I should ~”, then change the phrase.

For example, if you have a rule that people should look you in the eye when you speak, you will be annoyed if someone speaks without eye contact.

But some cultures teach that it is not good to stare into someone’s eyes, and some people are too embarrassed to make eye contact.

So let’s remove the phrase “should” and instead say “eye contact is important when speaking, but let’s respect that some people do not or cannot make eye contact for a variety of reasons.”

By being flexible, you, and no one else, can find it easier to be yourself.

◎ Talk to someone.

Having someone listen to you is one way to successfully let your anger out.

There are many times when something happens that makes you angry, but you just can’t express it in that situation.

In that case, ask a friend, family member, or someone you trust to listen to your feelings.

By letting out some of your anger and talking about your feelings, you are able to objectively look at the situation and calm down.

However, be careful not to become so excited that you take it out on the person you are asking to listen to you.

◎ Do not always expect to get what you want.

Many of the reasons for making you feel uncomfortable simply cannot be helped.

For example, a child spills juice, your partner fails to listen to you, or a friend completely forgets an appointment is not an intentional attempt to annoy you.

We are not perfect, and it is impossible for us to do everything in life, each and every day, 100% as we wish.

Furthermore, it is not realistic to expect that from the other person.

We tend to expect a lot from the other person, especially if the relationship is close, but if you demand too much, you end up feeling bad and angry when the results are not what you would like them to be.

Just as you have your own, they have their own failures and inability to do things.

Let’s give up and say it can’t be helped that it is no one’s fault.

There is no use in getting angry.

◎ Relaxation Techniques

When you begin to feel anger or are angry, you may feel your body stiffen, your breathing become heavier, or you may feel your heart beat faster.

Calming these symptoms will calm your anger.

An easy and effective way to relax is to take deep breaths.

Breathe in slowly through your nose and out slowly through your mouth.

As you do so, exhale as if you are letting the anger inside out.

Repeating this several times to relieve tension helps prevent you from acting on the spur of the moment in anger.

Another way to calm yourself down is to leave the situation if you find yourself feeling angry from physical manifestations.

Other relaxation methods include guided imagery and progressive muscle relaxation.

Avoiding painful things and protecting yourself is important.

However, that is putting the cart before the horse if your anger is directed at someone else or yourself, making the situation worse or hurting yourself more deeply.

Face your anger triggers and use anger management techniques to protect those around you and yourself.